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Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
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1:58 pm - As Posted on WWCult: Looking for Help
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Chad and I got back into WW hard core once the 1st of the year 2005 hit, and I was doing ok the first 3 weeks. But it seems I just can't stay focused or stop my outrageous cravings for sweets of all kind. Since being my lowest ever back in may 2005, I've put on 20 of the 40 pounds I had lost. My clothes are horribley snug again, and I'm quite depressed and discouraged about the whole thing. I've had to move up a weight range, and on Monday I was way too close for comfort to moving up again! My biggest opstical also seems to be that I can't get to the gym. I have my rotations from 8am til 5pm and then work at CVS from 5 til 9pm, and then its home to de-stress and wind down and get to bed. or wait til I have to pick up Chad at the train station. I also hate having to pack my entire day's worth of food: lunch, snacks, & dinner when I leave the house in the morn. I usually get bored with my selection or don't feel in the mood to eat it, and end up buying something bad at Dunks or from the Valentines/Easter candy selection at CVS. AARRRGGGHHH the cravings are just too much!
Any words of encouragement on how to get rid of my cravings and get back on program or to the gym???? ANY?
current mood:  disappointed
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1:26 pm - LJ is my new e-mail...
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Just wanted to quickly let everyone know that while I'm at my pharmacy rotation/clerkship here at Bayer Pharma for the month of March, I don't have access to ANY form of e-mail. BOO!
But thankfully I can still access LJ apparently. So if ya need to or just want to say HI, post a reply and I'll be able to get it.
Coolo
current mood:  amused
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| Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
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7:33 am - What a difference a day makes...
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Yesterday I had a great day! I was able to successfully avoid/decline an offer to go get handmade ice cream from Univ of CT's Dairy Bar!!! Thankfully I had brought my gym clothes and it was a great excuse to not go with everyone after class to get icecream! WHEW~! disaster avoided! So I went to the gym for 90 minutes to both do cardio and lift weights. Felt great! Food wise here's how I looked.
Small box of raisins - 2 points
WHole Wheat pita (6 inches) - 2 points
W/ wedge of Lauhgin Cow Cheese - 1 point
Baggie of baby carrots - 0 points
1 Snapple a day Fruit smoothie with Soy protein (only 90 calories, fat free, 8 grams of fiber and 10 grams of protein! Tasted yummy in the Mango Lime flavor, 25% calcium! I think these may be better then yogurt!) 1 point!!!!!! (yeah for fiber!)
1 oz bag Bayed Layes - 2 points
String cheese - 2 points
Fruit cup -1 point
DInner was 2 Fat Free Hot dogs with Mustard only - 2 points
Pickles (FREE!!!!!)
Salad with Dressing - 2 points
Kudos Snickers bar - 2 points
Sugar Free Fudgical - 1 point
This looks like a fabulous day, but I ate about 8 points in Jelly beans once I found the bag I bought last week. Scary how many I ate!! but I threw the half aten bag out, hopefully I can avoid more candy and temptations this week (except for thurs when I'm going out for a special dinner for my Pharmacy Leadership Society.)
So I ate 16 points plus 8 points for Jelly Beans (24 points) But I worked off like 5 points exercising. SO I'm calling today an even 20 and that I didn't use any flex points. Not too bad!
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| Monday, April 26th, 2004
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11:53 pm - mmm nappage
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Yeah I took a 5 hour nap today from sometime before 4pm til jsut before 9pm. And I've got no regrets about that! Theres nothing better in the world then being a college student and getting to come home after trudging around campus in the cold dark rain on a monday morning, and being able to crawl into bed and take a 5 hour nap with out blinkin an eye. AHHH these are the days I will miss!
So needless to say since I napped til that late, I didn't get to exercise tonight and watched TV instead. That of course led to snacking!
After waking up I figured I would be ok on points today, because I wouldn't have a dinner per-say, just some fruit or carrots or something. So I have my apple sauce during Vegas, and enjoy every spoonful, then start getting hungary, and decide that since I didn't have breakfast stuff this morning, I'd have a bowl of cereal, and there was like 1 and a 1/2 cups left in the box, so I didn't want to leave a 1/2 cup and not get a full cup one morning, so I ate the rest of the box for 3 points, and topped it off with more then my 1/2 cup of milk so I had to call it 2 points. After the cereal I i start getting all sorts of munchies and finished off some laffy taffy candies that a friend gave me, those with the ones I had at 5am while finishing studying this morn, I had to count as 4 points worth of crap that I shouldn't have ate. (stupid candy!) I also had another 2 point kudos snickers bar, and a hot coccoa.
SO, this all puts me up to 30 points for the day! (bye-bye 10 of my flex points already!) I have a feeling this is going to be a long week. Any one have any good suggestions for when you get off to a rough start on Monday, how to make the rest of the week still within plan??
Gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow!!!!
current mood:  anxious
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3:06 pm - I'm UP, but not in the good way!
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I'm getting very upset with myself for not being able to get back onto, and sticking with WW Program. My cruise is in 3 weeks, and I wanted to be at least 10 pounds lighter then what I am right now. With finals and the rest of the end of the school year stress, I know I'm going to have a hard time staying focused. I've done ok so far today. I did however get my arm twisted to go out for lunch with 2 of my friends after class. I ended up having 2 chicken wings (6 points), a small salad with fork dipped dressing (0.5 points maybe), and a slice of broccholi and mushroom queshe, which I knew wasn't all that low in points but it sounded so yummy and it would be chock full of eggs and proteiny-goodness, that I splurged. I didn't have breakfast this AM, so with the queshe being an estimated 8 points, and the granola bar I had as a snack this afternoon, I've had 17 points already today! (and its only 3pm, and I only get 20 points a day!!!!). I'm definately going to need to work out tonight. I wish it wasn't so yuckie outside and I could jog for like hours in the beautiful sun! (Damn you cold April showers!)
In the next few weeks before my cruise I'm going to make a habit out of journaling my food here in my live journal. Hopefully the notion that all you other WW-culters will be reading and critizeing every morsale that I
pop into my mouth, can help me keep on track. I'm back up to 150.4 this Monday, and that really scares and pisses me off. I don't want to go back to being lazy and fat and a size 14! (not that other size 14'ers are lazy or fat, that was just how I was back 37 pounds ago!) I know I've made some fabulous changes in my live and how I think about myself and about food, and exercise, but I can feel myself going back into the comfortable ways of not caring about what I put into my mouth or ordered when I went out to eat, or that I didn't get to go to the gym for a few weeks. I just DON'T want to ever go back to being like that again!
I hope this helps me get back on track!
I'll post the rest of my eating and exercising activites for the day
later on, after they've happened.
current mood: disappointed
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| Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
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6:55 pm - Warning this Post has Not Yet Been Rated
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AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
FUCK FUCK MOTHER FUCKIN, COCK SUCKIN, PIECE OF SHIT, BI-OTCH CUNT RAG ASS EATING, PIG FUCKER!
I'm all pissed off if someone couldn't tell. I just want to drop the the floor and cry and scream and start throwing a tantrum. I"m having the worst week ever it seems. I have 4 exams this week, 3 of which I've had already, and only 1 of which has gone well. The great part is the one tommorrow that I haven't had yet is supposed to be the hardest!!!!
The one I just had was ridiculous. In my opinion it was completely un-realistic. the class is a pharmacy dispensing lab, so its supposed to be like you're working in a community pharmacy (aka CVS). But the counseling a 70 year old patient on which type of condom to buy and blowing into some instrument I've never seen before to try and pretend like I'm showing a patient how to use an ihaler, and only have 5 minutes each to look over and fill and correct 3 prescriptions on a computer system I only use once a week for the past 3 weeks and don't know ANYTHING about is RE-FUCKING-DICULOUS!!!!!!! I'm so upset and pissed and frustrated, and I was doing so good this week/today with WW, but when I get all upset like this I tend to feed away my pain and anger, and s the 2 donuts and oreos and skittles I bought are jsut going to ruin me!!!!!! MOTHER FUCKER.
The only thing saving me is that I went to the gym for a good hour today before that hellish unpredictable, unfathomable exam. I wish I could just go beat up someone right now, get ina boxing ring and go a few rounds pound something into a bloody pulp. my fists are already clenched so tight, I'm surprised I'm even able to type! The great part is now I've got to try and settle down and forget about all this crap that I'm upset with and turn my attention 180 degrees in another directino and start studying for the HARD exam i have tommorow. School sucks, I've been in school too long, I'm too old to be dealing with this crap. This is what makes school so worthless and SHITTY, all this unrealistic crap that you have to get graded on, that will have little realistic bearing on what I will be doing in the real world.
can someone please find me a black hole to go forget about life in...
current mood:  enraged
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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11:57 pm - "I wanna be beautiful deep inside..." ~Rosey
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I'm having a kinda breaking down and all apart kinda past 48 hours... Unfortunately I think that the swinging of my mood is mostly due to the dial on my scale. Thurs, Fri and Sat morn before a fabulous sushi-licious dinner with Chad the scale was down 3 pounds and boy was I feeling on a high glorious winning the super bowl high. However after saturday's dinner and working out for 30 minutes ont he tredmill and 25 minutes on weight machines on sunday, but feeling confident that I did not go over my allotted flex points for the week the scale was back up to its stationary position, and I hadn't lost more then 1/2 a pound this morning. I know its hypocritical of me to bitch, because I know muscle is more hefty and important then fat, but it still pisses me off.
Sitting alone on sunday night and watching the pathetic commercial showings on the superbowl really sucked too, (other than that whole Patriots winning and all !!!! GO BRADY !!!!) my insides were cold and lonely last night as I struggled to fall asleep before the clock hit 2am. my food choices today were good, I did my aerobics/lifting video for 55 minutes this afternoon, and then attended a professional pharmacy association business meeting and was served a great meal of salad and roasted red potatoes and all sorts of fresh steamed veggies and a small 3 oz piece of salmon. I treated myself to a tasty tiny coconut/walnut/chocolate chip square and thought I was good to go for the rest of the night. Instead on the drive home, when i went to get gas, I decide that I need to get some peanutbetter cups and reisces pieces that are there, and eat both packages on the drive home and have 2 hot coccos when i get home. And my insides are still cold and lonely. Not that I believed the peanutbutter candy goodness was going to cure my blues. I think a good long hard frustrating screaming cry full of sobbing and bloodshot eyes will do the trick, haven't had one of those in a while... Yet there's nothing right here on the surface even close to coming through to bring on my sobs. Either theres something big I've pushed deep down there and won't let get out, or its nothing and I'm just drifting un-emotionally through life again. Either option doesn't sound too appealing.
I can't find my Ok GO Cd. It was just around here somewhere last week. why can't I figure out how to keep my life organized. How the hell have I manged to misplace everything in my life; emotions, bills, Ids, cds, trust, dreams, faith... The only thing I seem to be able to keep a hold of is baggage and poundage- go figure! I'm going to let that sink in for a while and wonder aimlessly through the web
current mood: empty
current music: Rosey- dirtly little child
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2004
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7:56 pm - ~She's back!!~
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So after a long haitus from Weight Watchers (aka the cult), going to the gym, and writing on Live Journal along with various other things, and it being a new year and all, I'm back!
I started up weight watchers again yesterday technically, but wasn't so good at the writing down of and point calculating of everything that I ate. I forgot how much there is to write down!!! Today I really planned out my meals at work and figuredout what I woudl ahve for dinner with my remaining points once I got home, and I must say I did good. Although the night is still young and I have plenty of good stuff to snack on in the house, but I want to use just a minimum amount of flex points at least this first week back on. I did plan in the 2 point dessert I will be having when I sit down to watch a little TLC later tonight. TOmmorrow is the first time in a frickin long time that I don't have shit to do, and I'm planning on being just as couch potatoey tonight! I do have to figure out if my multi-million dollar State School can afford to keep the gym open during winter break so I can go and use some warm inside runny/bikey machines and not freeze my buns outside.
I must tell you about my fabulous 2-3 point dinner though! I had a cup of Progresso's Vegitarian Lentil soup, which didn't taste all that great by itself, until I added 1/2 of each of a summer squash and zuccini I steamed, salt and pepper to taste and a nice portion of parmesian cheese to spice things up. (hence where the 3 versus 2 points comes from). The soup itself was 130 calories per cup (2 cups per can) only 1.5 gms fat, and a whopping 6 gms fiber!! (which makes the soup very Cult friendly!)
Alrighty since I've been outta the WW loop for a little now, anyone want to share some of their favorite cold weather meals/treats with me? Also, I've seen and heard how great Carries done without going to meetings and doing the Online Cult. I'm wondering if I should go back to meetings myself or check out the online world?? Pros/Cons anyone??
current mood:  optimistic
current music: Mirror Ball ~ Sarah McLachlan
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| Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
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11:30 pm - "You've got a lot of growing up to do Stan, go lick my Balls"
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Although I should be studying for a pathetically easy (to blow off) class exam that I've got tommorrow, I watched a great 2 and 1/2 hours of TV tonight. I know most of the people that read this go to the office and will be watching taped versions of Smallville, Angel and possibly South Park later, so I wont' give away details except that all were fabulous.
Smallville was intense, and it should be interesting to see what happens later in the season. I never followed the comic, so not quite sure if the Lex stuff is on target or not.
Angel was all flashback-y with lots of "I'm a vampire with a soul duels" and a surprise guest visit in the final seconds, which I can't wait to chat about this with someone after they've seen it!
SouthPark was well kinda dumb, but gave me a few good moments of laughter especially the ending.
My life is going to be jammed pack from now until 2004! This of course means good and bad things. I'll probably never get to clean up my apartment and make it all nice and organized and wonderfully serene to live in, but only because I'll be celebrating holidays with family and friends, meeting new "family of friends", studying my ass off for finals, working my ass off to pay for rent and gifts, and driving all over creation. And as mcuh as that drive to Jersey usually sucks, I enjoy being by myself driving in my car, somehow when I'm in my car singing along I'm the greatest most important thing in the world, sometimes... Anyway doing all these things is going to keep me busy enough that I won't even notice I live by myself in the snowy woods of connecticut usually bored outta my mind... Ahh the joys of the holiday season! I can't believe that Thanksgiving is a week away, A WEEK AWAY!!!!! my second to last semseter of classes that I'll ever take again ever is only ONE WEEK LEFT!! When and how did the time fly by so quickly. I'm not complaining so much about the semester being almost over, but it doesn't even feel like the holidays yet. In fact all the decorations that have been put up and the joyous music now playing on the radio and the stores filled with "cheer" are making me sick. Neither my family nor I have the money to have to be worrying about all the overwhelming expenses that pop up during the holidays, which puts me in the total opposite of thankful and/or joyous mood. But alas, I can grumble til the cows come home, and still I'm doing alright getting good grades, my futures so bright.. I gotta wear shades. (sorry not sure where that came from!) But I do know I've got things pretty good all considering, I just wish I could convince my psyche of that sometimes.
Alright time to learn about Drug Information searches and the appropriate answers to supply to patients or doctors who may seek me out for pharmceutical advice one day, one day...
current mood: UN-holidaylicious
current music: ~Dum dumb Dum, Dum dumb, Dum dumb~ South Park
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| Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
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12:20 am - But i just don't have a thing to wear
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so for all that know and love me, I shall be down in NJ during the Halloween festivities, especially those surrounding the Home of Happiness Rocky Horror performances. And the biggest question on my mind is WHAT EVER SHALL I WHERE FOR A HALLOWEEN COSTUME?
Send fun ideas my way from any genre your little heart's desrie!
current mood:  confused
current music: Sir Psycho Sexy ~RHCP
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| Thursday, September 25th, 2003
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12:55 am - It Looks like something attacked my face!
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How is it that I'm a beautiful cleanly 25 year old that eats right and exercises often and yet still manages to break out with enormous swollen blister like un-poppable pimples smack dab in the middle of my forehead to make me look like a total schmuck-o????? I'm way past adolescence, why am I still deal with its dreaded curses? and what can I do to never let these bad boys ruin my lovely face again?
current mood: morose
current music: ~Look at the 2 morose mother fuckers we got here
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| Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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2:05 am - The Perks (?) of being a Pharmacy Student.
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I had one of those "damn it sucks to be a student" days. Last night up I was up until 3am studying for a killer test about toxicology, and the information I was looking over just wasn't stickin in my brain. I got about 5 and 1/2 hours sleep, skipping my 8am class (luckily most of the others in my class decided to skip it too, and I missed very little). Got to campus and did about a good hours worth of last minute cramming, and my brain hurt during every moment. After the exam, which I'm sure I barely squeaked in a B If I'm lucky, I had to sit through an hour lecture in the same class that i just took the test in. (which is the absolute worst let me tell you, pointless at all that anyone would retain any of that crap that the Prof goes over after we all just wasted all our brain power on taking his test for the pas hour!) Then came an hour break in which I meandered around wishing that I could go home and sleep, instead I went and bought some hot salty french Fries to go with my lite black cherry yogurt as lunch. Besides the fact that it was a monsoon after I got my fries and had to run back to the Pharmacy building soaking myself and the fries, all was good. My tummy was happy. But I was quite exhausted and barely stayed awake for lab which thankfully only lasted 75 minutes and was mostly watching 2 boring videos on asthma. I made it back to my apartment w/o falling asleep at the wheel, took my rain damped clothes off and crashed into bed like it was a warm fuzzy cloud up in the summer sky. Days like this are so draining, and mess my body's sleep schedule up so much. I slept for 4 hours and woke to watch my 2 hour paradise hotel episode along with some crap MTV stuff. ( I know I should have hopped online and chatted with my chaddy-sorry). I think I was still in a daze trying not to think or concentrate or move. So now it's 1:30am and I've done a sink full of dishes, put all my clothes from the mess on my floor in either the hamper or dresser appropriately, and been generally aching for some love and attention since I hung up the phone from my 7 minute sleepy conversation with chad at 11:30. My body's recovered from the stress and slight sleep depravation, but I haven't got my daily supply of happiness. I wish I could have enjoyed the rain today. The wind was a wonderful coolness and freshness that we haven't had in a while, and puddle jumping would have been a fantastic stress reducer, if only I had someone who would want to act silly with me, or if I hadn't been so sleepy. This while being at school up here in CT with a bunch of conservative, khaki wearing, good two-shoes is killing my inner spark. I attempted to bring "talk-like-a-pirate-day" into their lives the other day, and even though they said they had heard bout it on the radio and such, no one was having any part of it, and looked at my with the weird "I'm judging you" eyes. Made me want to stand up and scream what the hell is wrong with you people?? I miss my days at Rutgers when I was closer to the heart of Urban culture, and had such a wide array of friends, that no matter what mood I was in, I could find someone to go and do what ever it was I was in the mood to go do. I can't stand these Connecticans and their clone like personalities. Not that everyone up here is like that, just all the "i want to be a grown up professional" pharmacy students. Granted I can't wait to graduate and move somewhere great and get a fantastic job, but thats not going to the end of my young fun hip self. It just means I'll have the time and means to go do what I want with whom I want and be able to live my a more easy going schedule and enjoy my damned self!
I'm lonely and sad and frustrated beyond words tonight. I'm jealous of those that got to hear and meet Neil Gaimen this past weekend, and those who are going to see Dave Matthews Weds in Central park, and those that get to live with their significant others and not only see them for a scheduled weekend visit and pissed that I can't go see BNL at Hammerstein because their playing on a Weds in October. (tix go on sale today btw... if you're cool enough to be a fan club member like me, tomorrow if not so much). I know I can't change those who are around me, I must change who is around me. I know i have to live my life for myself and make every moment count. But who can enjoy anything when its 1:40 in the am and you're all by yourself.
I'm fearful of the future. That what I want to happen, or even expect to happen won't. That I'm putting the life I want to have on hold right now, so that in a year or 2 when this school thing is behind me, I can live the life I have only dreamed about. But in reality that life is never going to come to fruition, won't be what I want, what I've expected, and these 4 years that I've been stuck up here will have been a complete waste of good solid years of my life... Not that my schooling and becoming a pharmacist will ever be a waste, but my free time, my enjoying life and me time will be.. I feel so disconnected and alone up here. I'm so sick of my life here. I just want to be able to enjoy myself with out having to try so hard. Without feeling so alone and annoyed with the people here who I attempt to make my friends. Jeez, writing this post was supposed to make me feel better so I could get into bed and fall asleep without laying awake being sad and thinking about all this, but I don't think its helped any. I've just worsened the sickening empty lonely feeling in my belly, which makes me think of food, but I won't let myself go out of the bed and look in the kitchen. I know it's my feelings that make me feel this way, not that I'm hungary. I need some sort of daily affirmation that my future will be more exciting and enjoyable and spent with the man and friends that I love and can relate to, and that this whole separate part of my life is just about getting through school, no more, no less. That enjoy life comes in my own time, and during the weekends. Is it wrong to wish and want for more though??? Maybe this is all supposed to teach me some humility that I can't always get what I want. Even though I feel like I've learned that lesson a thousand times.
AAARRGGG!
current mood:  lonely
current music: Turn me on, ~Nora Jones
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| Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
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10:49 pm - Weekend Update...
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I know I know, I was going to post every night my little food journal so as to make sure I stuck with the WW plan. and of course I didn't. Well I did have a hunk of a man to entertain this weekend, so there!
I felt really good with my food choices all last week and I was all set to go to the WW meeting on thursday after work, but instead I was a good citizen and donated my bi-monthly pint of blood to the Red Cross. Theres' quite a shortage right now and if you can I encourage all of you to try and find a blood drive or go to a center to donate! (my hospital actually had to cancel a few surgries over the past weeks due to lack of blood available, how crazy is that!)
So I finally made it to a meeting on Saturday morn. And I lost 5.8 pounds my first week! Of course I was quite excited and called mom and dad and told Chadie once I got back. It feels good to know my hard work of joggin everything down and being consistent is working and getting me closer to my goals. Of course Sat, Sun, Mon, and now today have been really bad days for me. I went over my point totals each day. Today has actually been the worst of all too! Saturday Chad and I met up with an old friend of mine at Six Flag New England (which is fabulous btw, and I suggest you all come up here for fright fest or something- good times!)SO we went out to lunch at Friendly's and I did ok, had a salad and quesadilla, but I munched ALOT on Chad's funion/onion ring things. And of course the park didn't have any good diet sodas or stuff for me to drink ( I HATE diet coke w/ a passion!)So i eneded up getting a 1/2 root beer, 1/2 seltzer which tasted really good, quenched my unbelieveable thirst and was 1/2 the points/sugar/calories. And after a long day of thrill riding we needed to eat dinner and opted for Denny's which was the only thing open at midnight in my hick area of CT. I got a grilled chicken breast with a small portion of hashbrowns instead of French Fries. I only ate 1/2 of the roll given too! So all in all I did ok, but still 4 points over for the day. I figured if I was good all week, then I could bank a few points on other days and make up for it. but no such luck so far.
Sunday Chad and I visited his Cousins just down the road a few and I ended up munching on ALOT of potatoe chips(damn they tasted good) and then we ordered chinese food! I think I did ok with the food, except for the 8 point egg roll! The steamed veggies and chicken were good. the bone-less spare ribs, general Tzoa's and mixed meat meddley were not good. But I still allowed myself a 2 point ice cream sandwhich when we got home! And with the rice and lomein which seem'd soo healthy I actually put myself over my daily allowence by 5 points!
Monday I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn 4:45am to get Chad to the train station so he could get to work and be yelled at by his boss at a reasonable hour (ahh what we do for love!)Anyway I had time to kill after his train left and stopped at DUnken Donuts where I ordered the large coffee I wanted, but also picked up a chocolate donount which looked soo good sitting there. I just had no will power over the donut! I packed a good lunch for the rest of my day though and because I went to sleep at 7pm when I got home from work because I was soo exhausted, I didn't eat dinner and didn't add too many points to my "weekly over budget total". But I did snakc enough from 5-7pm while I was home being exhausted that I went over my daily points by 2!
This Brings us to today. I wanted to be soo good. and I think that maybe I'm trying to hard ot be good. and TRYING to get in just my minimum points so as to erase a few of the bad things I've eaten so far. and I think i just made myself really hungary tonight. I've snacked like you wouldn't believe! I started the day off good, and didn't have time for a real lunch w/ lots of food because I had my annual Gyno exam during my break. I ate a 4 point Santa Fe Rice and Beans (one of my faves) WW dinners while waiting in the Docs office. I got extremely anxious and pissy sitting there though because they were runnign behind and for something that really only took 20 minutes I was in the office for 1 hour and 40 minutes! how fucking crazy is that!!! and I'm PMSing slighty so I'm getting cravings that just aren't being satisfied, but damnit I've snacked alot tonight. I knew I was getting close to my max b4 dinner tonight so I had a light dinner, and then i was hungary soon after and it has just snow balled from there.... Here's the scoop for the day!
1/2 c. OJ -------- 1
1/2 c. fruity applesauce -------- 1
1 french twist --------1
1 lite english muffin -------- 1
1/2 TBSP jelly -------- 1
1/2 pat butter -------- 1
1/2 of whole fresh grapefruit (large) -------- 1
WW frozen meal -------- 4
1/2 cup fresh snow pea pods -------- 0
Baked nacho chips -------- 3
Slim fast Snack bar --------2
SF LF Choc. Ice cream sandwhich -------- 2
5 TBSP cool whip -------- 1
3 imitation crab sticks -------- 2
18 Nacho Soy Crisps -------- 2
Mozzerella Cheese Stick -------- 2
2.5 French Twists -------- 3
2 c. Lite Microwave Popcorn -------- 1
1 slice (1/7th) SF Angel Food Cake -------- 1
1 french twist -------- 1
5 tbsp Cool whip -------- 1
2 turkey sausage links -------- 4
1/2 cucumber -------- 0
I have had lots of water and diet soda today too. But that just hasn't seemed to fill me up. I'm thinking that I need to go to a meeting tommorrow and get this week over with and start anew tommorrow! Other wise I feel like this entire week is going to be a bust! I also really wanted to go to the gym today and jogg off a little of this junk I've eaten. But with the down pouring rain, I just didn't make it there. Not an excuse I know, but.... what can I say. Tommorrow is another day.
(36 points for the day a whopping 11 over what I should be. my tummy and my psychie feel crappy, I don't know why i do this to myself, but tommorrow is another day!)Wish me strength and a tamed tummy!
current mood: aggravated
current music: Join the Cult Community!
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| Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
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12:23 am - Guess what cabbage does to your gas...
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I feel crappy about some of my food choices today- the mini-candy pieces I had were so not worth it, and I felt like a ravenous pig even after dinner.
Small Bannana-------1.5
6oz Dannon Berry Yoguart smoothie-------2
1 French Twist(Barry's bakery-cinnomin)-------1
Cofee with skim milk and 2 sweet n lows-------0
2 slices beefsteak lite rye bread-------1
6 oz tuna-------3
lite mayo based dressing-------1
2 dill pickles-------0
18 cheese soy crisps-------1
1/2 of fresh mango-------1
1 mini peppermint patty, 1 mini rescees PB cup, 1 watermelon jolly rancher, 1 black jelly bean-------4?
1 c. lite microwave popcorn-------0.5
1 c. garden vegtable soup (WW recipe)-------0
1 homemade stuffed pepper (brown rice and turkey)-------6
8 TBSP lite cool whip-------1.5
1 piece (1/7th) SF angel food cake-------1
1 SF fruit-2-0 lemon ice cup-------0
3 mini chocolate and PB rice cakes-------0.5
3/4 c. skim milk w/ SF chocolate sauce-------1
I did manage to squeeze in 5 fruits and veggies with the soup and pepper and pickles (forgot to count those as veggeis for a minute!)No exercising today, which kills me cuz I told myself I really wanted to and would go to the gym after work, instead I never packed clothes this morn and was lazy once I got home.
Just not feeling good at all right now.
current mood: hungry
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12:23 am - "This is the true story..."
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I spent like hours tonight in front of the TV sucked into the world that is reality TV programming. I don't know what the hell it is about this shit but it's more addicting then heroine. And the crazy part is that just like heroine, it's just as fucked up and stupid. What really gets me is how the editors/producers try to make everything that is usually so plain and mundane in everyones normal everyday life look so dramatic and artifical. We all know that people are put in situations that just breed histrionic, arogant, assholes (even worse then the camera adding 20 pounds@!) Sometimes I often wish that my intelligence were so simple as to be entertained and excited and enthralled by all this without the notion in the back of my head that it's all really fake. So I could sit in front of the TV for hours and do nothing all night and have it NOT be a bad thing, and instead a "I didn't accomplish shit today" and thats ok thing. I mean maybe this sounds arogant and foolish and snobbish, but I almost wish that I wasn't smart enough to go to Pharmacy school. I feel like because I'm good at this it's something I HAVE to do. Like I would be a waste, a nothing if I did anything else. Not that I really want to do anyhting else right now. I'm very happy with my choice in profession, I'm just really worried that everyday, for the rest of my life, I'm going to be stuck HAVING to be smart and think and do the right thing. Sometimes i just want to not think. It makes my head hurt to think. I see all the things that the pharmacists have to do and know at work, and it scares me that I could hold someones life in my hand if I don't catch an interaction, or an allergy, or a mis-medication match before a Drug gets to the patient and something goes wrong. Why can't I be (for example) the spanish speaking cleaning woman who was so excited by the little basket I use to deliver meds to the floors and want to know what the english name for it was and if it was too heavy for me to carry cuz it looked really heavy to carry. Granted I'm sure she lives a much less exciting life then I could imagine, but she seemed so happy and content and fullfilled just being at her job. Hell maybe I'm just pissy cuz I'm living in an apartment all by myself with my cat in the woods where people can break windows and steal things and no one hears. A place too boring and out of the way for any of my bestfriends to consider moving in with me. Maybe I'm sick and tired of coming home to an empty apartment and not having anyone to share my frustrations of the day with because it's hard to do with 5 minute IM converstations onace a day. Damnit I was so happy and wonderful a few hours ago when I was cooking/preparing garden vegtable soup from scratch (0 points!), now I've worked myself up into a frenzy complete with tears. Now I'll be up all night aggrivated thinking all these stupid bad thigns about people and the future, stuff that I know is wrong deep down, but feels that way right now on the surface. And all I'm longing for right now is like a Chocolate bar, or a Cookie or a bowl of Ice cream, but I'm at 24 points for the day already cuz I munched when i was bored earlier... and I'm doing so good I don't want to go over, but I'm not going to be able to get to sleep with the gnawing empty feeling in my belly, that is lonlieness, and that just won't go away even if I fed it those horrible point filled foods...
current mood: crappy
current music: crickets outside my window
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| Sunday, July 13th, 2003
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10:23 pm - "You look like the 4th of July... Makes me want a hot dog real bad!"
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Not that I saw Legally Blonde 1 or 2, but that quote fromt he trailers just cracks me up. That and I had a hot dog for dinner tonight. 2 in fact! My friend/co-worker/pharmacists I most look up to and enjoy working with told me about Oscar Myers Fat Free hot dogs, each only 1 point. So of course I totally went out to Big Y and saught them out. And just like she said, they were damn tastey. There's just something about a hot dog in the summer. This woman at work Marci is great. She got a crap load of hand me down clothes from a friend because she has just lost a ton of weight and didn't want to go out buying a whole new wardrobe just for this summer. Anyway we're both down to the same size now, so she's going to bring in some clothes for me too. Stuff that's too "young" for her (although much really isn't- she'll wear anything!) Not that I need any more clothes, my bedroom looks like a fabric factory blew up in there! But it's nice to get some new stuff that fits you better and makes you feel good. Yeah for that!
Todays food...
Tropical flavored Dannon yoguart smoothie----------2
2 turkey sausage links-----------------------------4
1 slice Beefsteak lite Rye bread------------------0.5
2 tsp SF strawberry jam----------------------------0
2 oz. baggie baby carrots--------------------------0
WW Peppercorn steak w/ red potatoes Frozen meal----4
1/2 c. berry all natural apple sauce---------------1
1 medium nectarine (so good and juciy)-------------1
2 Barry's Bakery Cinnomin French Twists!-----------3
1 mozzerella string cheese-------------------------2
2 FF microwaved hot dogs (w/ mustard)--------------2
2 c. salad (lettuce, cabbage, radish sprouts, fresh mushrooms, cucumbers, and pea pods)----------------0
w/ balsamic vinegar--------------------------------0
1 slice(1/7th) of an SF angel food cake------------1
3/4 c. fresh sliced strawberries------------------0.5
5 TBSP Lite Cool whip (mmmmmmmm)-------------------1
Totals: 22 points, 5 fruits and veggies, 2 dariy, plenty o water and 30 minutes of joggin.
current mood: bored
current music: Trading Spaces theme song
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12:56 am - Oh and another thing...
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12:26 am - I LIKE WASSA!
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So let me just start by saying how crazy my cat freckles was last night. Now I've had a few bugs and flying insects in my apartment b4 (c'om living in New England you gotta have a few bug buddies in the place!) Anyway, Frex has always enjoyed staring at them and watching them flutter or crawl about, just as much as she enjoys looking out the window at the birds and squirrelies in the tree. But last night she went crazy with this 2 inch moth that was drawn to my bedroom light ("like a moth to the flame burned by the fire, my love is blind can't you see my desire...")Frex proceeded to stalk, pounce, kill and devour the poor thing. I guess I've gotta start feeding her more interesting stuff! and of course she coughed up the half digested moth along with a hair ball this afternoon all over my mini-calander/day planner (thankfully its a school year one and I'll be getting a new one in August!)
Food was good today!
1 slice lite rye Wassa Crisp-------0.5
1 TBSP all-natural Peanut butter---2.5
2 tsp SF strawberry jelly-----------0
Dannon lite and fit cherry vanilla yogurt (3/4 c.)---2
1/2 c. peaches----------------------1
2 slices Beefsteak lite rye bread---1
2 slices LF Ham---------------------2
1.5 slices WHITE american cheese!---3 (had to splurge, I gotta say I love my cheese!)
Mustard and lettuce in sandwhich----0
2 oz. baggie baby carrots-----------0
1 granny smith apple----------------1
3.5 oz frozen garlic & butter white fish fillet---2
1 c. egg noodles--------------------3
1 c. fresh steamed zuccini and summer squash------0
1 TBSP grated parmesan cheese ("shaky")-----------1
1 TBSP lite whipped butter for noodles and vegs---1
9 pieces of dried mango-------------2
3 c. light 94% FF microwave popcorn---------------1
1 SF cherry popsicle----------------0
I hope everyone knows/understands my abbreviations (SF=Sugar Free) (FF=Fat Free)(LF=Low Fat) etc...
I had all my water, 5 fruits and veggies, and a total of 23 points. I didn't get out and jog once I was home from work like I wanted to. It's Saturday so I took a nap like any other red-blooded American on Sat. Hell I might even nap again tommorrow too after work!
I'd say my biggest accomplishment today was not stepping on the scale once! I'm the kinda person who likes to see how much I weigh like every hour (when I get up, after I pee/poop, after I eat, before going to bed) Not that it really varies or matters much. But my goal for the entire week is not to step on a scale until my next WW meeting which I'll probably go to on Thursday. Wish me luck.
current mood: chipper
current music: John Mayer ~ "Your body (and mine) is a wonderland!"
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| Saturday, July 12th, 2003
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12:27 am - Food journal Day 2
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So I had a really good day today. I ate enough with out feeling overly hungary or full. And I even avoided purchasing evil unhealthy foods while I was out at Walmart today (mostly cuz I gots no cash til next Thursday, but anyway I managed to avoid impulse buying/eating none the less!)
3/4 c. skim milk 1
1 1/4 c. Life Cereal 2
1 nectarine 1
1 string cheese stick 2
13 Soy Crisps 1
(These are made by Genisoy and are basically mini rice cakes but made with rice and soy flour so they've got lots of protein heart protective goodness in them) They come in a few varieties, today I had the fairly boring sea salted, and I must say they're sea salted soy nuts are much better then these soy crisps. The Nacho cheese crisps are the best!!! BTW, 13 is only 1/2 the suggested serving size on the package too - now doesn't that make you feel good!
Skinny Cow Strawberry Shortcake Ice cream sandwhich 2
2 slices of Low fat deli style Turkey breast 1
1/2 of green bell pepper 0
1 small bananna 2
1 slice lite Rye bread 0.5
w/ 1 TBSP all-natural Peanut butter 2.5
1/4 c. brown rice AND 1/4 c. lean ground turkey (these were left over from when I made some tastey stuffed peppers tonight that I've made for a quick easy meal in the future!) 3
2 c. salad (lettus, cabbage, cucumber, fresh mushrooms) 0
1/2 c. chunks of spicey chicken breast (this I found pre-made in the meat case- not frozen. Put together by Louis Rich I believe) 2
2 TBSP of Lite balsamic and Basil vinagrette by Ken's 1
And possibley my favorite Item of the night (or summer for that matter) are these 3/4 c. cups of water ice. They're put out by Fruit-2-0 so they're made with Splenda (which I thank the Gods for daily!)They've got "no sugars" but do ahve carbs in the form of sugar alcohols. So even though they are only 40 calories, I'd love to call it a no point item, but the carbs in it make me a little leary. So I'll have to ask at my next meeting. But even at 1 point they are delicious and have a great almost creamy consistency that totally reminds you of an origional Itailan Ice!
So all in all that puts me at 21 (or 22) points for the day (depending on what you consider that fruit-2-0 cup). I got in my 5 fruits and veggies, my 2 dairies, my 6 glasses of water and had time to go to the gym and lift weights before jogging for 37 minutes this afternoon! So YEAH go me! I just hope that with all the pre-preparing of foods that I did today and the lists of good foods with their assigned points that I can keep up this good work for the rest of the week, and month! Hope everyone else out there is doing just as well!
until tommorrow, for now I must get into bed and rid my head of this viscious, random un-prevoked headache!
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Oscillating Fan ~ hmmm interesting band name option...
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| Friday, July 11th, 2003
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12:42 pm - "...the mind that created the problem, cannot solve it alone." ~Albert Einstein
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After looking at the calender and realizing in less than a month I'll be attempting to look great in my new bathing suit in Florida with ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) whodini and his Family, AND that my scale isn't looking so good after that Fabulous 4th of July weekend- I decided to join the almighty cult known as weight watchers!!
I attended my first meeting ever yesterday, even though I've followed the Points program many times before. The leader of the meeting was this wonderfully zanny and loud woman who seemed way to excited to be there. It was sorta cheesy and I've had better "food management" sessions with all college aged girls that have been better, but all in all it was good. I think that just going to some location once a week and having someone look at the amount of weight I have lost, gained, or just maintained off will be a big help in keeping me focused. I'm also gong to stick with the idea that less carbs are better! I think the 40:30:30 ratio of carbs to protein to fat is the ideal way for my body to loose weight. As long as I can keep the sugars and sweets outta my diet, things should go well.
So, As per the suggestion of lizzyfur, (who,s boobies I have also seen) (Girls with pierced nipples rock!) I'm planning on posting my food journal online, in hopes of keeping both myself and others on track. If anyone else out there has some good low point food finds that they would like to add, feel free. The first one I'll make note of today is Beefsteaks lite soft Rye bread. Now everyone's gotta enjoy a sandwhich, they are easy to make and carry to work, but the points and carbs inbread can be killer. Even though I'm more partial t a whole grain bread, this lite Rye will do the trick! It's only 1 point for 2 slices, cuz of all the fibery goodness! fill up the middle with a few slices of turkey, and lettus and you've got yourself a big low point sandwhich for lunch.
So far today I haven't eaten much, being that I've only been up for 2 hours! But I've used 6 points on cereal, milk, a nectarine and a mozzarella string cheese. By the end of the day I'll post up all my points for the day and let you know how I did. Hope some of this is a help to anyone...
current mood: pleased
current music: Evenesence
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