Monkey Love

As Posted on WWCult: Looking for Help

2005-03-08T18:58:54Z

Chad and I got back into WW hard core once the 1st of the year 2005 hit, and I was doing ok the first 3 weeks. But it seems I just can't stay focused or stop my outrageous cravings for sweets of all kind. Since being my lowest ever back in may 2005, I've put on 20 of the 40 pounds I had lost. My clothes are horribley snug again, and I'm quite depressed and discouraged about the whole thing. I've had to move up a weight range, and on Monday I was way too close for comfort to moving up again! My biggest opstical also seems to be that I can't get to the gym. I have my rotations from 8am til 5pm and then work at CVS from 5 til 9pm, and then its home to de-stress and wind down and get to bed. or wait til I have to pick up Chad at the train station. I also hate having to pack my entire day's worth of food: lunch, snacks, & dinner when I leave the house in the morn. I usually get bored with my selection or don't feel in the mood to eat it, and end up buying something bad at Dunks or from the Valentines/Easter candy selection at CVS. AARRRGGGHHH the cravings are just too much!

Any words of encouragement on how to get rid of my cravings and get back on program or to the gym???? ANY?

LJ is my new e-mail...

2005-03-08T18:27:59Z

Just wanted to quickly let everyone know that while I'm at my pharmacy rotation/clerkship here at Bayer Pharma for the month of March, I don't have access to ANY form of e-mail. BOO!

But thankfully I can still access LJ apparently. So if ya need to or just want to say HI, post a reply and I'll be able to get it.

Coolo

What a difference a day makes...

2004-04-28T11:29:13Z

Yesterday I had a great day! I was able to successfully avoid/decline an offer to go get handmade ice cream from Univ of CT's Dairy Bar!!! Thankfully I had brought my gym clothes and it was a great excuse to not go with everyone after class to get icecream! WHEW~! disaster avoided! So I went to the gym for 90 minutes to both do cardio and lift weights. Felt great! Food wise here's how I looked.
Small box of raisins - 2 points
WHole Wheat pita (6 inches) - 2 points
W/ wedge of Lauhgin Cow Cheese - 1 point
Baggie of baby carrots - 0 points
1 Snapple a day Fruit smoothie with Soy protein (only 90 calories, fat free, 8 grams of fiber and 10 grams of protein! Tasted yummy in the Mango Lime flavor, 25% calcium! I think these may be better then yogurt!) 1 point!!!!!! (yeah for fiber!)
1 oz bag Bayed Layes - 2 points
String cheese - 2 points
Fruit cup -1 point
DInner was 2 Fat Free Hot dogs with Mustard only - 2 points
Pickles (FREE!!!!!)
Salad with Dressing - 2 points
Kudos Snickers bar - 2 points
Sugar Free Fudgical - 1 point

This looks like a fabulous day, but I ate about 8 points in Jelly beans once I found the bag I bought last week. Scary how many I ate!! but I threw the half aten bag out, hopefully I can avoid more candy and temptations this week (except for thurs when I'm going out for a special dinner for my Pharmacy Leadership Society.)

So I ate 16 points plus 8 points for Jelly Beans (24 points) But I worked off like 5 points exercising. SO I'm calling today an even 20 and that I didn't use any flex points. Not too bad!

mmm nappage

2004-04-27T03:49:05Z

Yeah I took a 5 hour nap today from sometime before 4pm til jsut before 9pm. And I've got no regrets about that! Theres nothing better in the world then being a college student and getting to come home after trudging around campus in the cold dark rain on a monday morning, and being able to crawl into bed and take a 5 hour nap with out blinkin an eye. AHHH these are the days I will miss!

So needless to say since I napped til that late, I didn't get to exercise tonight and watched TV instead. That of course led to snacking!
After waking up I figured I would be ok on points today, because I wouldn't have a dinner per-say, just some fruit or carrots or something. So I have my apple sauce during Vegas, and enjoy every spoonful, then start getting hungary, and decide that since I didn't have breakfast stuff this morning, I'd have a bowl of cereal, and there was like 1 and a 1/2 cups left in the box, so I didn't want to leave a 1/2 cup and not get a full cup one morning, so I ate the rest of the box for 3 points, and topped it off with more then my 1/2 cup of milk so I had to call it 2 points. After the cereal I i start getting all sorts of munchies and finished off some laffy taffy candies that a friend gave me, those with the ones I had at 5am while finishing studying this morn, I had to count as 4 points worth of crap that I shouldn't have ate. (stupid candy!) I also had another 2 point kudos snickers bar, and a hot coccoa.
SO, this all puts me up to 30 points for the day! (bye-bye 10 of my flex points already!) I have a feeling this is going to be a long week. Any one have any good suggestions for when you get off to a rough start on Monday, how to make the rest of the week still within plan??

Gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow, gotta exercise tomorrow!!!!

I'm UP, but not in the good way!

2004-04-26T19:02:09Z

I'm getting very upset with myself for not being able to get back onto, and sticking with WW Program. My cruise is in 3 weeks, and I wanted to be at least 10 pounds lighter then what I am right now. With finals and the rest of the end of the school year stress, I know I'm going to have a hard time staying focused. I've done ok so far today. I did however get my arm twisted to go out for lunch with 2 of my friends after class. I ended up having 2 chicken wings (6 points), a small salad with fork dipped dressing (0.5 points maybe), and a slice of broccholi and mushroom queshe, which I knew wasn't all that low in points but it sounded so yummy and it would be chock full of eggs and proteiny-goodness, that I splurged. I didn't have breakfast this AM, so with the queshe being an estimated 8 points, and the granola bar I had as a snack this afternoon, I've had 17 points already today! (and its only 3pm, and I only get 20 points a day!!!!). I'm definately going to need to work out tonight. I wish it wasn't so yuckie outside and I could jog for like hours in the beautiful sun! (Damn you cold April showers!)

In the next few weeks before my cruise I'm going to make a habit out of journaling my food here in my live journal. Hopefully the notion that all you other WW-culters will be reading and critizeing every morsale that I
pop into my mouth, can help me keep on track. I'm back up to 150.4 this Monday, and that really scares and pisses me off. I don't want to go back to being lazy and fat and a size 14! (not that other size 14'ers are lazy or fat, that was just how I was back 37 pounds ago!) I know I've made some fabulous changes in my live and how I think about myself and about food, and exercise, but I can feel myself going back into the comfortable ways of not caring about what I put into my mouth or ordered when I went out to eat, or that I didn't get to go to the gym for a few weeks. I just DON'T want to ever go back to being like that again!

I hope this helps me get back on track!
I'll post the rest of my eating and exercising activites for the day
later on, after they've happened.

Warning this Post has Not Yet Been Rated

2004-02-25T23:49:36Z

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
FUCK FUCK MOTHER FUCKIN, COCK SUCKIN, PIECE OF SHIT, BI-OTCH CUNT RAG ASS EATING, PIG FUCKER!

I'm all pissed off if someone couldn't tell. I just want to drop the the floor and cry and scream and start throwing a tantrum. I"m having the worst week ever it seems. I have 4 exams this week, 3 of which I've had already, and only 1 of which has gone well. The great part is the one tommorrow that I haven't had yet is supposed to be the hardest!!!!
The one I just had was ridiculous. In my opinion it was completely un-realistic. the class is a pharmacy dispensing lab, so its supposed to be like you're working in a community pharmacy (aka CVS). But the counseling a 70 year old patient on which type of condom to buy and blowing into some instrument I've never seen before to try and pretend like I'm showing a patient how to use an ihaler, and only have 5 minutes each to look over and fill and correct 3 prescriptions on a computer system I only use once a week for the past 3 weeks and don't know ANYTHING about is RE-FUCKING-DICULOUS!!!!!!! I'm so upset and pissed and frustrated, and I was doing so good this week/today with WW, but when I get all upset like this I tend to feed away my pain and anger, and s the 2 donuts and oreos and skittles I bought are jsut going to ruin me!!!!!! MOTHER FUCKER.
The only thing saving me is that I went to the gym for a good hour today before that hellish unpredictable, unfathomable exam. I wish I could just go beat up someone right now, get ina boxing ring and go a few rounds pound something into a bloody pulp. my fists are already clenched so tight, I'm surprised I'm even able to type! The great part is now I've got to try and settle down and forget about all this crap that I'm upset with and turn my attention 180 degrees in another directino and start studying for the HARD exam i have tommorow. School sucks, I've been in school too long, I'm too old to be dealing with this crap. This is what makes school so worthless and SHITTY, all this unrealistic crap that you have to get graded on, that will have little realistic bearing on what I will be doing in the real world.

can someone please find me a black hole to go forget about life in...

"I wanna be beautiful deep inside..." ~Rosey

2004-02-03T04:47:20Z

I'm having a kinda breaking down and all apart kinda past 48 hours... Unfortunately I think that the swinging of my mood is mostly due to the dial on my scale. Thurs, Fri and Sat morn before a fabulous sushi-licious dinner with Chad the scale was down 3 pounds and boy was I feeling on a high glorious winning the super bowl high. However after saturday's dinner and working out for 30 minutes ont he tredmill and 25 minutes on weight machines on sunday, but feeling confident that I did not go over my allotted flex points for the week the scale was back up to its stationary position, and I hadn't lost more then 1/2 a pound this morning. I know its hypocritical of me to bitch, because I know muscle is more hefty and important then fat, but it still pisses me off.

Sitting alone on sunday night and watching the pathetic commercial showings on the superbowl really sucked too, (other than that whole Patriots winning and all !!!! GO BRADY !!!!) my insides were cold and lonely last night as I struggled to fall asleep before the clock hit 2am. my food choices today were good, I did my aerobics/lifting video for 55 minutes this afternoon, and then attended a professional pharmacy association business meeting and was served a great meal of salad and roasted red potatoes and all sorts of fresh steamed veggies and a small 3 oz piece of salmon. I treated myself to a tasty tiny coconut/walnut/chocolate chip square and thought I was good to go for the rest of the night. Instead on the drive home, when i went to get gas, I decide that I need to get some peanutbetter cups and reisces pieces that are there, and eat both packages on the drive home and have 2 hot coccos when i get home. And my insides are still cold and lonely. Not that I believed the peanutbutter candy goodness was going to cure my blues. I think a good long hard frustrating screaming cry full of sobbing and bloodshot eyes will do the trick, haven't had one of those in a while... Yet there's nothing right here on the surface even close to coming through to bring on my sobs. Either theres something big I've pushed deep down there and won't let get out, or its nothing and I'm just drifting un-emotionally through life again. Either option doesn't sound too appealing.
I can't find my Ok GO Cd. It was just around here somewhere last week. why can't I figure out how to keep my life organized. How the hell have I manged to misplace everything in my life; emotions, bills, Ids, cds, trust, dreams, faith... The only thing I seem to be able to keep a hold of is baggage and poundage- go figure! I'm going to let that sink in for a while and wonder aimlessly through the web

~She's back!!~

2004-01-03T00:46:54Z

So after a long haitus from Weight Watchers (aka the cult), going to the gym, and writing on Live Journal along with various other things, and it being a new year and all, I'm back!

I started up weight watchers again yesterday technically, but wasn't so good at the writing down of and point calculating of everything that I ate. I forgot how much there is to write down!!! Today I really planned out my meals at work and figuredout what I woudl ahve for dinner with my remaining points once I got home, and I must say I did good. Although the night is still young and I have plenty of good stuff to snack on in the house, but I want to use just a minimum amount of flex points at least this first week back on. I did plan in the 2 point dessert I will be having when I sit down to watch a little TLC later tonight. TOmmorrow is the first time in a frickin long time that I don't have shit to do, and I'm planning on being just as couch potatoey tonight! I do have to figure out if my multi-million dollar State School can afford to keep the gym open during winter break so I can go and use some warm inside runny/bikey machines and not freeze my buns outside.

I must tell you about my fabulous 2-3 point dinner though! I had a cup of Progresso's Vegitarian Lentil soup, which didn't taste all that great by itself, until I added 1/2 of each of a summer squash and zuccini I steamed, salt and pepper to taste and a nice portion of parmesian cheese to spice things up. (hence where the 3 versus 2 points comes from). The soup itself was 130 calories per cup (2 cups per can) only 1.5 gms fat, and a whopping 6 gms fiber!! (which makes the soup very Cult friendly!)

Alrighty since I've been outta the WW loop for a little now, anyone want to share some of their favorite cold weather meals/treats with me? Also, I've seen and heard how great Carries done without going to meetings and doing the Online Cult. I'm wondering if I should go back to meetings myself or check out the online world?? Pros/Cons anyone??

"You've got a lot of growing up to do Stan, go lick my Balls"

2003-11-20T04:21:25Z

Although I should be studying for a pathetically easy (to blow off) class exam that I've got tommorrow, I watched a great 2 and 1/2 hours of TV tonight. I know most of the people that read this go to the office and will be watching taped versions of Smallville, Angel and possibly South Park later, so I wont' give away details except that all were fabulous.
Smallville was intense, and it should be interesting to see what happens later in the season. I never followed the comic, so not quite sure if the Lex stuff is on target or not.
Angel was all flashback-y with lots of "I'm a vampire with a soul duels" and a surprise guest visit in the final seconds, which I can't wait to chat about this with someone after they've seen it!
SouthPark was well kinda dumb, but gave me a few good moments of laughter especially the ending.

My life is going to be jammed pack from now until 2004! This of course means good and bad things. I'll probably never get to clean up my apartment and make it all nice and organized and wonderfully serene to live in, but only because I'll be celebrating holidays with family and friends, meeting new "family of friends", studying my ass off for finals, working my ass off to pay for rent and gifts, and driving all over creation. And as mcuh as that drive to Jersey usually sucks, I enjoy being by myself driving in my car, somehow when I'm in my car singing along I'm the greatest most important thing in the world, sometimes... Anyway doing all these things is going to keep me busy enough that I won't even notice I live by myself in the snowy woods of connecticut usually bored outta my mind... Ahh the joys of the holiday season! I can't believe that Thanksgiving is a week away, A WEEK AWAY!!!!! my second to last semseter of classes that I'll ever take again ever is only ONE WEEK LEFT!! When and how did the time fly by so quickly. I'm not complaining so much about the semester being almost over, but it doesn't even feel like the holidays yet. In fact all the decorations that have been put up and the joyous music now playing on the radio and the stores filled with "cheer" are making me sick. Neither my family nor I have the money to have to be worrying about all the overwhelming expenses that pop up during the holidays, which puts me in the total opposite of thankful and/or joyous mood. But alas, I can grumble til the cows come home, and still I'm doing alright getting good grades, my futures so bright.. I gotta wear shades. (sorry not sure where that came from!) But I do know I've got things pretty good all considering, I just wish I could convince my psyche of that sometimes.

Alright time to learn about Drug Information searches and the appropriate answers to supply to patients or doctors who may seek me out for pharmceutical advice one day, one day...

But i just don't have a thing to wear

2003-10-01T04:19:31Z

so for all that know and love me, I shall be down in NJ during the Halloween festivities, especially those surrounding the Home of Happiness Rocky Horror performances. And the biggest question on my mind is WHAT EVER SHALL I WHERE FOR A HALLOWEEN COSTUME?

Send fun ideas my way from any genre your little heart's desrie!

It Looks like something attacked my face!

2003-09-25T04:47:35Z

How is it that I'm a beautiful cleanly 25 year old that eats right and exercises often and yet still manages to break out with enormous swollen blister like un-poppable pimples smack dab in the middle of my forehead to make me look like a total schmuck-o????? I'm way past adolescence, why am I still deal with its dreaded curses? and what can I do to never let these bad boys ruin my lovely face again?

The Perks (?) of being a Pharmacy Student.

2003-09-24T05:57:34Z

I had one of those "damn it sucks to be a student" days. Last night up I was up until 3am studying for a killer test about toxicology, and the information I was looking over just wasn't stickin in my brain. I got about 5 and 1/2 hours sleep, skipping my 8am class (luckily most of the others in my class decided to skip it too, and I missed very little). Got to campus and did about a good hours worth of last minute cramming, and my brain hurt during every moment. After the exam, which I'm sure I barely squeaked in a B If I'm lucky, I had to sit through an hour lecture in the same class that i just took the test in. (which is the absolute worst let me tell you, pointless at all that anyone would retain any of that crap that the Prof goes over after we all just wasted all our brain power on taking his test for the pas hour!) Then came an hour break in which I meandered around wishing that I could go home and sleep, instead I went and bought some hot salty french Fries to go with my lite black cherry yogurt as lunch. Besides the fact that it was a monsoon after I got my fries and had to run back to the Pharmacy building soaking myself and the fries, all was good. My tummy was happy. But I was quite exhausted and barely stayed awake for lab which thankfully only lasted 75 minutes and was mostly watching 2 boring videos on asthma. I made it back to my apartment w/o falling asleep at the wheel, took my rain damped clothes off and crashed into bed like it was a warm fuzzy cloud up in the summer sky. Days like this are so draining, and mess my body's sleep schedule up so much. I slept for 4 hours and woke to watch my 2 hour paradise hotel episode along with some crap MTV stuff. ( I know I should have hopped online and chatted with my chaddy-sorry). I think I was still in a daze trying not to think or concentrate or move. So now it's 1:30am and I've done a sink full of dishes, put all my clothes from the mess on my floor in either the hamper or dresser appropriately, and been generally aching for some love and attention since I hung up the phone from my 7 minute sleepy conversation with chad at 11:30. My body's recovered from the stress and slight sleep depravation, but I haven't got my daily supply of happiness. I wish I could have enjoyed the rain today. The wind was a wonderful coolness and freshness that we haven't had in a while, and puddle jumping would have been a fantastic stress reducer, if only I had someone who would want to act silly with me, or if I hadn't been so sleepy. This while being at school up here in CT with a bunch of conservative, khaki wearing, good two-shoes is killing my inner spark. I attempted to bring "talk-like-a-pirate-day" into their lives the other day, and even though they said they had heard bout it on the radio and such, no one was having any part of it, and looked at my with the weird "I'm judging you" eyes. Made me want to stand up and scream what the hell is wrong with you people?? I miss my days at Rutgers when I was closer to the heart of Urban culture, and had such a wide array of friends, that no matter what mood I was in, I could find someone to go and do what ever it was I was in the mood to go do. I can't stand these Connecticans and their clone like personalities. Not that everyone up here is like that, just all the "i want to be a grown up professional" pharmacy students. Granted I can't wait to graduate and move somewhere great and get a fantastic job, but thats not going to the end of my young fun hip self. It just means I'll have the time and means to go do what I want with whom I want and be able to live my a more easy going schedule and enjoy my damned self!

I'm lonely and sad and frustrated beyond words tonight. I'm jealous of those that got to hear and meet Neil Gaimen this past weekend, and those who are going to see Dave Matthews Weds in Central park, and those that get to live with their significant others and not only see them for a scheduled weekend visit and pissed that I can't go see BNL at Hammerstein because their playing on a Weds in October. (tix go on sale today btw... if you're cool enough to be a fan club member like me, tomorrow if not so much). I know I can't change those who are around me, I must change who is around me. I know i have to live my life for myself and make every moment count. But who can enjoy anything when its 1:40 in the am and you're all by yourself.

I'm fearful of the future. That what I want to happen, or even expect to happen won't. That I'm putting the life I want to have on hold right now, so that in a year or 2 when this school thing is behind me, I can live the life I have only dreamed about. But in reality that life is never going to come to fruition, won't be what I want, what I've expected, and these 4 years that I've been stuck up here will have been a complete waste of good solid years of my life... Not that my schooling and becoming a pharmacist will ever be a waste, but my free time, my enjoying life and me time will be.. I feel so disconnected and alone up here. I'm so sick of my life here. I just want to be able to enjoy myself with out having to try so hard. Without feeling so alone and annoyed with the people here who I attempt to make my friends. Jeez, writing this post was supposed to make me feel better so I could get into bed and fall asleep without laying awake being sad and thinking about all this, but I don't think its helped any. I've just worsened the sickening empty lonely feeling in my belly, which makes me think of food, but I won't let myself go out of the bed and look in the kitchen. I know it's my feelings that make me feel this way, not that I'm hungary. I need some sort of daily affirmation that my future will be more exciting and enjoyable and spent with the man and friends that I love and can relate to, and that this whole separate part of my life is just about getting through school, no more, no less. That enjoy life comes in my own time, and during the weekends. Is it wrong to wish and want for more though??? Maybe this is all supposed to teach me some humility that I can't always get what I want. Even though I feel like I've learned that lesson a thousand times.
AAARRGGG!

Weekend Update...

2003-07-23T02:43:51Z

I know I know, I was going to post every night my little food journal so as to make sure I stuck with the WW plan. and of course I didn't. Well I did have a hunk of a man to entertain this weekend, so there!
I felt really good with my food choices all last week and I was all set to go to the WW meeting on thursday after work, but instead I was a good citizen and donated my bi-monthly pint of blood to the Red Cross. Theres' quite a shortage right now and if you can I encourage all of you to try and find a blood drive or go to a center to donate! (my hospital actually had to cancel a few surgries over the past weeks due to lack of blood available, how crazy is that!)

So I finally made it to a meeting on Saturday morn. And I lost 5.8 pounds my first week! Of course I was quite excited and called mom and dad and told Chadie once I got back. It feels good to know my hard work of joggin everything down and being consistent is working and getting me closer to my goals. Of course Sat, Sun, Mon, and now today have been really bad days for me. I went over my point totals each day. Today has actually been the worst of all too! Saturday Chad and I met up with an old friend of mine at Six Flag New England (which is fabulous btw, and I suggest you all come up here for fright fest or something- good times!)SO we went out to lunch at Friendly's and I did ok, had a salad and quesadilla, but I munched ALOT on Chad's funion/onion ring things. And of course the park didn't have any good diet sodas or stuff for me to drink ( I HATE diet coke w/ a passion!)So i eneded up getting a 1/2 root beer, 1/2 seltzer which tasted really good, quenched my unbelieveable thirst and was 1/2 the points/sugar/calories. And after a long day of thrill riding we needed to eat dinner and opted for Denny's which was the only thing open at midnight in my hick area of CT. I got a grilled chicken breast with a small portion of hashbrowns instead of French Fries. I only ate 1/2 of the roll given too! So all in all I did ok, but still 4 points over for the day. I figured if I was good all week, then I could bank a few points on other days and make up for it. but no such luck so far.
Sunday Chad and I visited his Cousins just down the road a few and I ended up munching on ALOT of potatoe chips(damn they tasted good) and then we ordered chinese food! I think I did ok with the food, except for the 8 point egg roll! The steamed veggies and chicken were good. the bone-less spare ribs, general Tzoa's and mixed meat meddley were not good. But I still allowed myself a 2 point ice cream sandwhich when we got home! And with the rice and lomein which seem'd soo healthy I actually put myself over my daily allowence by 5 points!

Monday I had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn 4:45am to get Chad to the train station so he could get to work and be yelled at by his boss at a reasonable hour (ahh what we do for love!)Anyway I had time to kill after his train left and stopped at DUnken Donuts where I ordered the large coffee I wanted, but also picked up a chocolate donount which looked soo good sitting there. I just had no will power over the donut! I packed a good lunch for the rest of my day though and because I went to sleep at 7pm when I got home from work because I was soo exhausted, I didn't eat dinner and didn't add too many points to my "weekly over budget total". But I did snakc enough from 5-7pm while I was home being exhausted that I went over my daily points by 2!

This Brings us to today. I wanted to be soo good. and I think that maybe I'm trying to hard ot be good. and TRYING to get in just my minimum points so as to erase a few of the bad things I've eaten so far. and I think i just made myself really hungary tonight. I've snacked like you wouldn't believe! I started the day off good, and didn't have time for a real lunch w/ lots of food because I had my annual Gyno exam during my break. I ate a 4 point Santa Fe Rice and Beans (one of my faves) WW dinners while waiting in the Docs office. I got extremely anxious and pissy sitting there though because they were runnign behind and for something that really only took 20 minutes I was in the office for 1 hour and 40 minutes! how fucking crazy is that!!! and I'm PMSing slighty so I'm getting cravings that just aren't being satisfied, but damnit I've snacked alot tonight. I knew I was getting close to my max b4 dinner tonight so I had a light dinner, and then i was hungary soon after and it has just snow balled from there.... Here's the scoop for the day!

1/2 c. OJ -------- 1
1/2 c. fruity applesauce -------- 1
1 french twist --------1
1 lite english muffin -------- 1
1/2 TBSP jelly -------- 1
1/2 pat butter -------- 1
1/2 of whole fresh grapefruit (large) -------- 1
WW frozen meal -------- 4
1/2 cup fresh snow pea pods -------- 0
Baked nacho chips -------- 3
Slim fast Snack bar --------2
SF LF Choc. Ice cream sandwhich -------- 2
5 TBSP cool whip -------- 1
3 imitation crab sticks -------- 2
18 Nacho Soy Crisps -------- 2
Mozzerella Cheese Stick -------- 2
2.5 French Twists -------- 3
2 c. Lite Microwave Popcorn -------- 1
1 slice (1/7th) SF Angel Food Cake -------- 1
1 french twist -------- 1
5 tbsp Cool whip -------- 1
2 turkey sausage links -------- 4
1/2 cucumber -------- 0
I have had lots of water and diet soda today too. But that just hasn't seemed to fill me up. I'm thinking that I need to go to a meeting tommorrow and get this week over with and start anew tommorrow! Other wise I feel like this entire week is going to be a bust! I also really wanted to go to the gym today and jogg off a little of this junk I've eaten. But with the down pouring rain, I just didn't make it there. Not an excuse I know, but.... what can I say. Tommorrow is another day.

(36 points for the day a whopping 11 over what I should be. my tummy and my psychie feel crappy, I don't know why i do this to myself, but tommorrow is another day!)Wish me strength and a tamed tummy!

Guess what cabbage does to your gas...

2003-07-15T04:33:40Z

I feel crappy about some of my food choices today- the mini-candy pieces I had were so not worth it, and I felt like a ravenous pig even after dinner.

Small Bannana-------1.5
6oz Dannon Berry Yoguart smoothie-------2
1 French Twist(Barry's bakery-cinnomin)-------1
Cofee with skim milk and 2 sweet n lows-------0

2 slices beefsteak lite rye bread-------1
6 oz tuna-------3
lite mayo based dressing-------1
2 dill pickles-------0
18 cheese soy crisps-------1
1/2 of fresh mango-------1

1 mini peppermint patty, 1 mini rescees PB cup, 1 watermelon jolly rancher, 1 black jelly bean-------4?

1 c. lite microwave popcorn-------0.5
1 c. garden vegtable soup (WW recipe)-------0
1 homemade stuffed pepper (brown rice and turkey)-------6
8 TBSP lite cool whip-------1.5
1 piece (1/7th) SF angel food cake-------1

1 SF fruit-2-0 lemon ice cup-------0
3 mini chocolate and PB rice cakes-------0.5
3/4 c. skim milk w/ SF chocolate sauce-------1

I did manage to squeeze in 5 fruits and veggies with the soup and pepper and pickles (forgot to count those as veggeis for a minute!)No exercising today, which kills me cuz I told myself I really wanted to and would go to the gym after work, instead I never packed clothes this morn and was lazy once I got home.
Just not feeling good at all right now.

"This is the true story..."

2003-07-15T04:17:19Z

I spent like hours tonight in front of the TV sucked into the world that is reality TV programming. I don't know what the hell it is about this shit but it's more addicting then heroine. And the crazy part is that just like heroine, it's just as fucked up and stupid. What really gets me is how the editors/producers try to make everything that is usually so plain and mundane in everyones normal everyday life look so dramatic and artifical. We all know that people are put in situations that just breed histrionic, arogant, assholes (even worse then the camera adding 20 pounds@!) Sometimes I often wish that my intelligence were so simple as to be entertained and excited and enthralled by all this without the notion in the back of my head that it's all really fake. So I could sit in front of the TV for hours and do nothing all night and have it NOT be a bad thing, and instead a "I didn't accomplish shit today" and thats ok thing. I mean maybe this sounds arogant and foolish and snobbish, but I almost wish that I wasn't smart enough to go to Pharmacy school. I feel like because I'm good at this it's something I HAVE to do. Like I would be a waste, a nothing if I did anything else. Not that I really want to do anyhting else right now. I'm very happy with my choice in profession, I'm just really worried that everyday, for the rest of my life, I'm going to be stuck HAVING to be smart and think and do the right thing. Sometimes i just want to not think. It makes my head hurt to think. I see all the things that the pharmacists have to do and know at work, and it scares me that I could hold someones life in my hand if I don't catch an interaction, or an allergy, or a mis-medication match before a Drug gets to the patient and something goes wrong. Why can't I be (for example) the spanish speaking cleaning woman who was so excited by the little basket I use to deliver meds to the floors and want to know what the english name for it was and if it was too heavy for me to carry cuz it looked really heavy to carry. Granted I'm sure she lives a much less exciting life then I could imagine, but she seemed so happy and content and fullfilled just being at her job. Hell maybe I'm just pissy cuz I'm living in an apartment all by myself with my cat in the woods where people can break windows and steal things and no one hears. A place too boring and out of the way for any of my bestfriends to consider moving in with me. Maybe I'm sick and tired of coming home to an empty apartment and not having anyone to share my frustrations of the day with because it's hard to do with 5 minute IM converstations onace a day. Damnit I was so happy and wonderful a few hours ago when I was cooking/preparing garden vegtable soup from scratch (0 points!), now I've worked myself up into a frenzy complete with tears. Now I'll be up all night aggrivated thinking all these stupid bad thigns about people and the future, stuff that I know is wrong deep down, but feels that way right now on the surface. And all I'm longing for right now is like a Chocolate bar, or a Cookie or a bowl of Ice cream, but I'm at 24 points for the day already cuz I munched when i was bored earlier... and I'm doing so good I don't want to go over, but I'm not going to be able to get to sleep with the gnawing empty feeling in my belly, that is lonlieness, and that just won't go away even if I fed it those horrible point filled foods...

"You look like the 4th of July... Makes me want a hot dog real bad!"

2003-07-14T02:32:58Z

Not that I saw Legally Blonde 1 or 2, but that quote fromt he trailers just cracks me up. That and I had a hot dog for dinner tonight. 2 in fact! My friend/co-worker/pharmacists I most look up to and enjoy working with told me about Oscar Myers Fat Free hot dogs, each only 1 point. So of course I totally went out to Big Y and saught them out. And just like she said, they were damn tastey. There's just something about a hot dog in the summer. This woman at work Marci is great. She got a crap load of hand me down clothes from a friend because she has just lost a ton of weight and didn't want to go out buying a whole new wardrobe just for this summer. Anyway we're both down to the same size now, so she's going to bring in some clothes for me too. Stuff that's too "young" for her (although much really isn't- she'll wear anything!) Not that I need any more clothes, my bedroom looks like a fabric factory blew up in there! But it's nice to get some new stuff that fits you better and makes you feel good. Yeah for that!

Todays food...
Tropical flavored Dannon yoguart smoothie----------2
2 turkey sausage links-----------------------------4
1 slice Beefsteak lite Rye bread------------------0.5
2 tsp SF strawberry jam----------------------------0

2 oz. baggie baby carrots--------------------------0
WW Peppercorn steak w/ red potatoes Frozen meal----4
1/2 c. berry all natural apple sauce---------------1
1 medium nectarine (so good and juciy)-------------1
2 Barry's Bakery Cinnomin French Twists!-----------3
1 mozzerella string cheese-------------------------2

2 FF microwaved hot dogs (w/ mustard)--------------2
2 c. salad (lettuce, cabbage, radish sprouts, fresh mushrooms, cucumbers, and pea pods)----------------0
w/ balsamic vinegar--------------------------------0

1 slice(1/7th) of an SF angel food cake------------1
3/4 c. fresh sliced strawberries------------------0.5
5 TBSP Lite Cool whip (mmmmmmmm)-------------------1

Totals: 22 points, 5 fruits and veggies, 2 dariy, plenty o water and 30 minutes of joggin.

Oh and another thing...

2003-07-13T04:52:02Z

You are spoon guy. You should have planned ahead
buddy, or packed a bigger lunch.

which rejected character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Damn Skippy I like spoons!

I LIKE WASSA!

2003-07-13T04:46:47Z

So let me just start by saying how crazy my cat freckles was last night. Now I've had a few bugs and flying insects in my apartment b4 (c'om living in New England you gotta have a few bug buddies in the place!) Anyway, Frex has always enjoyed staring at them and watching them flutter or crawl about, just as much as she enjoys looking out the window at the birds and squirrelies in the tree. But last night she went crazy with this 2 inch moth that was drawn to my bedroom light ("like a moth to the flame burned by the fire, my love is blind can't you see my desire...")Frex proceeded to stalk, pounce, kill and devour the poor thing. I guess I've gotta start feeding her more interesting stuff! and of course she coughed up the half digested moth along with a hair ball this afternoon all over my mini-calander/day planner (thankfully its a school year one and I'll be getting a new one in August!)

Food was good today!
1 slice lite rye Wassa Crisp-------0.5
1 TBSP all-natural Peanut butter---2.5
2 tsp SF strawberry jelly-----------0
Dannon lite and fit cherry vanilla yogurt (3/4 c.)---2
1/2 c. peaches----------------------1

2 slices Beefsteak lite rye bread---1
2 slices LF Ham---------------------2
1.5 slices WHITE american cheese!---3 (had to splurge, I gotta say I love my cheese!)
Mustard and lettuce in sandwhich----0
2 oz. baggie baby carrots-----------0
1 granny smith apple----------------1

3.5 oz frozen garlic & butter white fish fillet---2
1 c. egg noodles--------------------3
1 c. fresh steamed zuccini and summer squash------0
1 TBSP grated parmesan cheese ("shaky")-----------1
1 TBSP lite whipped butter for noodles and vegs---1

9 pieces of dried mango-------------2
3 c. light 94% FF microwave popcorn---------------1
1 SF cherry popsicle----------------0

I hope everyone knows/understands my abbreviations (SF=Sugar Free) (FF=Fat Free)(LF=Low Fat) etc...
I had all my water, 5 fruits and veggies, and a total of 23 points. I didn't get out and jog once I was home from work like I wanted to. It's Saturday so I took a nap like any other red-blooded American on Sat. Hell I might even nap again tommorrow too after work!

I'd say my biggest accomplishment today was not stepping on the scale once! I'm the kinda person who likes to see how much I weigh like every hour (when I get up, after I pee/poop, after I eat, before going to bed) Not that it really varies or matters much. But my goal for the entire week is not to step on a scale until my next WW meeting which I'll probably go to on Thursday. Wish me luck.

Food journal Day 2

2003-07-12T04:21:42Z

So I had a really good day today. I ate enough with out feeling overly hungary or full. And I even avoided purchasing evil unhealthy foods while I was out at Walmart today (mostly cuz I gots no cash til next Thursday, but anyway I managed to avoid impulse buying/eating none the less!)

3/4 c. skim milk 1
1 1/4 c. Life Cereal 2
1 nectarine 1
1 string cheese stick 2
13 Soy Crisps 1
(These are made by Genisoy and are basically mini rice cakes but made with rice and soy flour so they've got lots of protein heart protective goodness in them) They come in a few varieties, today I had the fairly boring sea salted, and I must say they're sea salted soy nuts are much better then these soy crisps. The Nacho cheese crisps are the best!!! BTW, 13 is only 1/2 the suggested serving size on the package too - now doesn't that make you feel good!
Skinny Cow Strawberry Shortcake Ice cream sandwhich 2
2 slices of Low fat deli style Turkey breast 1
1/2 of green bell pepper 0
1 small bananna 2
1 slice lite Rye bread 0.5
w/ 1 TBSP all-natural Peanut butter 2.5
1/4 c. brown rice AND 1/4 c. lean ground turkey (these were left over from when I made some tastey stuffed peppers tonight that I've made for a quick easy meal in the future!) 3
2 c. salad (lettus, cabbage, cucumber, fresh mushrooms) 0
1/2 c. chunks of spicey chicken breast (this I found pre-made in the meat case- not frozen. Put together by Louis Rich I believe) 2
2 TBSP of Lite balsamic and Basil vinagrette by Ken's 1
And possibley my favorite Item of the night (or summer for that matter) are these 3/4 c. cups of water ice. They're put out by Fruit-2-0 so they're made with Splenda (which I thank the Gods for daily!)They've got "no sugars" but do ahve carbs in the form of sugar alcohols. So even though they are only 40 calories, I'd love to call it a no point item, but the carbs in it make me a little leary. So I'll have to ask at my next meeting. But even at 1 point they are delicious and have a great almost creamy consistency that totally reminds you of an origional Itailan Ice!

So all in all that puts me at 21 (or 22) points for the day (depending on what you consider that fruit-2-0 cup). I got in my 5 fruits and veggies, my 2 dairies, my 6 glasses of water and had time to go to the gym and lift weights before jogging for 37 minutes this afternoon! So YEAH go me! I just hope that with all the pre-preparing of foods that I did today and the lists of good foods with their assigned points that I can keep up this good work for the rest of the week, and month! Hope everyone else out there is doing just as well!

until tommorrow, for now I must get into bed and rid my head of this viscious, random un-prevoked headache!

"...the mind that created the problem, cannot solve it alone." ~Albert Einstein

2003-07-11T16:36:13Z

After looking at the calender and realizing in less than a month I'll be attempting to look great in my new bathing suit in Florida with whodini and his Family, AND that my scale isn't looking so good after that Fabulous 4th of July weekend- I decided to join the almighty cult known as weight watchers!!

I attended my first meeting ever yesterday, even though I've followed the Points program many times before. The leader of the meeting was this wonderfully zanny and loud woman who seemed way to excited to be there. It was sorta cheesy and I've had better "food management" sessions with all college aged girls that have been better, but all in all it was good. I think that just going to some location once a week and having someone look at the amount of weight I have lost, gained, or just maintained off will be a big help in keeping me focused. I'm also gong to stick with the idea that less carbs are better! I think the 40:30:30 ratio of carbs to protein to fat is the ideal way for my body to loose weight. As long as I can keep the sugars and sweets outta my diet, things should go well.

So, As per the suggestion of lizzyfur, (who,s boobies I have also seen) (Girls with pierced nipples rock!) I'm planning on posting my food journal online, in hopes of keeping both myself and others on track. If anyone else out there has some good low point food finds that they would like to add, feel free. The first one I'll make note of today is Beefsteaks lite soft Rye bread. Now everyone's gotta enjoy a sandwhich, they are easy to make and carry to work, but the points and carbs inbread can be killer. Even though I'm more partial t a whole grain bread, this lite Rye will do the trick! It's only 1 point for 2 slices, cuz of all the fibery goodness! fill up the middle with a few slices of turkey, and lettus and you've got yourself a big low point sandwhich for lunch.
So far today I haven't eaten much, being that I've only been up for 2 hours! But I've used 6 points on cereal, milk, a nectarine and a mozzarella string cheese. By the end of the day I'll post up all my points for the day and let you know how I did. Hope some of this is a help to anyone...

"I am a lawyer, I own a bowling alley. Two separate things." ~ED

2003-04-23T05:30:32Z

It's been brought to my attention that I have not updated my LJ in well almost forever. And since I'm feeling quite unstressed at the moment and have no major projects or tests looming on the horizon, updating is what i shall do! Buckle up it's going to be a long ride...

Back in the last weekend of March I attended the American Pharmacists Association convention in the grand city of New Orleans. Much fun was had by all. Of the 4 nights I was there, I spent 3 of them on Burbon Street. Needless to say waking up in the morning was not much fun. There wasn't much time to go and do all the site seeing things that i wanted too, like a swamp tour or a ghost or voodoo tour or even a trolley ride down into the garden district,but we did manage to stop off at the historic Pharmacy musem. I guess considering I was at a pharmacy convention if we had to be a tourist somewhere, that was a good place to go. The social events were certainly interesting. I felt both akward and out of place during much of them. It was only after a few shots and a hurricane that I felt to fit in more with the people I was hanging out with on a few nights. Amazing how alcohol can lift some sort of wall that i put between myself and others. I wish there was a way to remove all my insecurities daily w/o throwing a few back. 3 of my friends certainly had no problem with insecurities as they flashed a full balcony of people (yes upstanding pharmacy geeks). and even though I didn't, I still managed bring home as many beads as they did!! guess its not so much the beads as the excitment of the street. All in all I would definately go back to enjoy more of the music cafes there and to actually enjoy the site seeing.

Once back at school I was faced with the daunting task of catching up on my school work. For about 2 weeks straight I busted my ass to copy notes on classes I had missed (slept through) and to try to comprehend/learn/memorize some pretty tough shit about heart failure, high cholesterol, intricate details of the pathophysiology of the GI tract AND MUCH MORE! (all this can be yours for the low price of 9.95 plus s/h and cost of defered loans). After spending a few early mornings doing some last minute cramming I realized how depressing and lonely my life can be. Most of the time I just put it off as what i need to get through as a student to be come a pharmacist one day. But honestly, I should have been studying with friends. I shoul dhave been sharing notes and thoughts and learning this stuff with other people who are supposedly my friend. After my last big test I scheduled another appointment with a counselor to just take a step back and evaluate the feelings going through my head. I have another scheduled for this friday. Mostly the doctor has been concerned with my sleeping patterns. The fact that I can't get to sleep at night, and can't wake up in the morning and want to sleep all morning and afternoon. and I know this may seem like typical college student stuff, but somehow it feels like more. I really want to make sure that i don't feel too overwhelmed when finals come. This year I have 5 big finals crammed into 7 days. This time of the year has always been notoriously bad for me. This year I'd like to break that cycle. Not that I need to get straight A's on my finals just to pass, but I'm going to have to kick it into gear if I want to keep my gpa about average, about a 3.0.

An interesting new twist has surfaced in my life recently. My father was laid off from his computer software job the end of March. An industry that he's been apart of his entire working career. Being that he has no degree, and is what he calls "an old dog that can't be taught new tricks" his prospects of finding a new job doing the same thing are slim. The market just isn't looking good now. He's been searching for a job for about a month and even though that isn't much time in "job searching world" (right carrie) nothing has come up. At least not in the computer field. A friend of a Friend of the family is selling his business of 14 years because he's too old to run it anymore. That business just happens to be a Bowling Alley up in South Paris, Maine. Now I knew my dad always wanted to move up to our cottage on the lake in Maine once he retired, but taking over a bowling alley? Well it all kinda threw me for a loop. My dad seems really excited about the whole idea. About selling the house in NH that we've lived in for (over) 25 years, about owning and running a business, about the "deal" he's getting on the property. My mother is less thrilled, although seems to be coming around. I had some major concerns at first. And when my rents asked me my honest opinion, I almost felt bad telling them i wasn't crazy about the idea. My dad has always been concerned about his arthritis and lack of mobility. I don't want to see him struggle and work himself to the ground just to keep a buisness afloat, or to make a profit. Even though the books show that the bowling alley does make money, how can you know that will be the same from year to year. I business seems like such an unsteady form of income. I don't want to see my parents loose the money and collateral they've built up over the years. But after talking with my parents and my brother it almost seems like a good opportunity. Is it karma of fate that stepped in and gave my parents this opportunity , a chance to become successful in times of such uncertainty. Or is this merely just a carrot that was tossed from the garden and my parents were the first rabbits to happen upon it. I can't say at this point in my life that I believe in a fate or destiny for individuals. But I do believe that there is some cosmic force pushing us in a foward direction. Even though we may feel stagnent at times, the energy or force to push us onto our next direction is merely building up. I think trusting in your instincts is a good way to follow that directional cosmic "push", but sometimes our instincts may be clouded or too involved in the moment to feel right. I want to believe in my Father's instinct to grab this opportunity (the only one that has come along for him that seems like a remote possibility for success), however I'm concerned that he is too excited about the possibilities to be interperting his instincts correctly. I know that he is taking his time making this decision and I was quite pleased that he asked for my honest opinion. He's talked to lots of people about this offer and I think he's definately evaluating the situation in the right way. I just wish to god that I knew it was the right direction for him to go in. I know it's his life, but I'd hate to see him purchase this bowling alley, and then the market turn around and he could have a good offer for a solid software job. I suppose that maybe my instincts are also skewed because I'm disliking the notion of my parents moving to Maine and becoming bowling alley owners. But I guess as long as they are happy and healthy that is all that matters. The moment this job becomes a compromise to my dads health, is the moment this was a bad decision. All in all I'm happy for my parents for wanting to and being willing to go out on a limb and take a risk for what they think is a positive opportunity. And I'll support their choice as long as I get to bowl for free and I don't have to get married there!!

I've got a wonderful stress free weekend ahead of me complete with an overdose of snuggle time with chadly, meeting the infamous emily, hanging with and seeing many fabuloso people at the Chiller convention(yeah! my first chiller), the HOH show, dinering and of course a little knockin of the boots if you know what I mean! Damn I'm sooo looking foward to Friday!

SMOOCHES to all

"Zleeple Florb EEP Kilgoo...Narboza?

2003-03-11T02:21:32Z

There is much to be happy about, for once it seems. Last week was quite crapulous for me. Mostly because I dwell on the negative too much, and have a hard time seeing the positive glow that comes from inside. May day has actually a rollarcoaster of goods and bads. This morning I was sick and slept in til noon, missing 2 of my classes, and I started getting all stressed and worried for my big test on Tuesday! BUT, my bestest Friend came to the rescue. IN my mailbox was a somewhat ragged looking envelope with a huge hug wrapped around it, and in side was one of the nicest and Funniest cards I have ever gotten. misssydney wrote a list filling up the card of "THINGS I LOVE ABOUT LINDSAY" And although some I had heard before, a lot were new to me. I didn't realize that I so funny I can actually make Sydney pee her pants. Or that I never look down on people. Or that I can make even the smallest accomplishment seem like someone's won the Nobel Prize. I carried the card around with me for the rest of the day!

Once at school I went to my Pharm Fraternity meeting of which I am the tresurer, so I would have liked to skip out, but had to tell the group, "Stop spending all the money, theres none left unless you all pay your dues!" And written on the blackboard when I walked in was "Happy Birthday Sue". At which I just chuckled, because 2 weeks ago when it was my birthday did anyone there even wish me a happy birthday? NOPE, mother fuckers. No one even said anything to me that day or wanted to do anything with me. There only mention of it was a happy belated birthday from Julie, who I work with and probably got reminded of my birthday because they were talking about it at work. It seems my co-workers all remembered. Oh well, enough digression on something that happened in the past and i cannot change!

SO, needless to say I was pissy again for the afternoon. Lab after the meeting droned on for about 4 hours. Nothing was going right. I felt lost in a see of efferevecent and calamine lotion. Then after lab everyone went off to have dinner and go study together. Neither of which I was invited to. That just compounded my bad mood even more. So much so that when my Mom IM'd me to ask whats up, I actually have a conversation to her about the horrible people here that I mistakenly made my friends a year and a 1/2 ago. oh if I had only known that the 2 people that were my only reason for joining AZO and making all those connections/friends would not be in school with me anymore, I certainly WOULD NOT have joined AZO or became friends with these moronic folks! But as luck would have it, I was not meant to have a bad ending to this day. I have a surprise guest coming up for the night, and possibley tommorrow night. Even though it is only a place for him to crash on his way up to Beverly Mass, it will be soooooo wonderfully nice to have my Chaddie here to curl up next to and fall asleep with. Too bad he had to come here on a night that I'm stressfully studying for a test on Rheology and the pharmaceutical applications of non-newtonian fluid motion (I know I sound smart, but words can be deceiving). I guess that just means I better study as much as I can before 11 and then I'll blow off this test until the morning!

Thank you to all who have made me feel truly blessed by your love and friendship today! YOU ROCK!

"I'm a Pixie, I'm a paperdoll, I'm a cartoon; I'm a chipper cheerful free for all, I light up a room..

2003-03-10T05:53:05Z

I'm a color me happy girl, Miss Life and let Live; And when there out for blood, I always give."

So this weekend I worked the night shift(3-11:30pm) both nights. Which usually sucks cuz it's just 2 techs and 2 pharmacists covering the work of 3 techs and 3-4 pharmacists. And usually the other tech is someone that doesn't work evenings much so I gotta show them a lot of what to do. And the pharmacists aren't the usual night ones either. So I gotta be all nice and cheerful and full of "yes sure I can go do that for you". This weekend I msut say I lucked out. I Got to work with Marci the Pharmacist who has to be the greatest person ever. We are so much alike it is scary. She even thinks we're alike. She was in the band and played tennis in HighSchool. She loves to go out and party, and she said she was one of them self-concious not overly popular types too. Well If I do grow up to be just like her, I'd be happier then a pig in shit, because she rocks. She's so fun and out going and a great mom, and so young and fun for her age (over 40) and when I've been out w/ her she's the first to do a round of shots. She's so supportive and helpful with my weight loss goals, mostly because she's going through the same stuff right now. She's a cub scout leader to her 2 boys which is so wonderful. She's not overly modest, or overly rude, she buys other pharmacists things like wind-up monkey's that hop-up and down and jerk-off. She arranges the best parties for work and non-work related stuff. compelete with stripping midgets, (oops that was just an idea it never fully took off!) Most of all she's smart as hell and a really good teacher, she lets me get involved and try to figure stuff out as a "pharmacist in training". It's really nice to know that I can grow up to be someone like that. Who's not a hoity-toity, I'm a pharmacist too smart for my own britches kinda person. I guess (I hope) growing up isn't going to be so bad.

2 hours and 500 bucks later, I knew I had found the best whore-house in town!

2003-03-06T05:18:49Z

I feel like I've just be raped, well my wallet has been anyway. My car decided it didn't like it's exhaust system and broke open late monday night in an un-muffled rumble as i was driving home from work. So tuesday I decide to actually get it looked at by the muffler professionals MIDAS. and 2 hours, 500 bucks, and a brand spanking new exhaust system from top to bottom later I realized the golden midas touch didn't feel so good at all! but hey, at least I can hear myself think while driving, let alone my spanking new stereo! ~Yeah for playing CDs in the car~

I'm approaching a big milestone in my college career (yes i have apparently made a career outta going to college!) I only spent 2 years at Rutgers (thank the holy lord) and only 2 years in Philly. Soon I'll be planning for my 3rd year at UConn. First of all I can't believe I've been here that long already. Secondly I can't belive I've still got 2 more years of this shit to go through b4 actually obtaining a degree I find useful. In my mind I always knew I'd be here for 4 years getting this degree, I should make my friends and enjoy myself and not be scared of moving away and loosing friends mid-stream. But in the depths of my sub-concious that just wasn't going to happen. I think after being here over a year and no-one expcet anita having met my Cat or Chad or seen my apartment I knew the "getting close to people" just wasn't happening. Am I really that afraid of becoming close to people. Of enjoying their company and feeling at-ease with them. I know there are only a select few I have that with and it's a wonderful experience, but why can't I let others in there as well? It doesn't have to be to the extent that I'm close to Sydney, but there should be some interest between me and the people I see every day of the week. Today I decided that I wasn't in the mood to sit through classes (a case of "year 2" senioritis I presume) Yet no one called to see If everything was ok. I mean what if I had gotten into a serious accident or i was on my death bed? Anita would have surely called if she were still in classes w/ us, and I didn't show up at all. I wonder if anyone even has my phone # inorder to call me and see if I'm ok, i wonder if that woudl even matter. I guess I want people to put themselves out there and show me that they care in order for me to show them resepect and kindness back. Of course why would anyone be friendly towards me when I have only been withdrawn and pensive about engaging myself in any real friendships. I think the only reason I become so close to anita is because being her friend was easy. there isn't much for me to do. She's very giving and caring and respectful and talks alot. All the things that make me at ease about being friends with her. No need to worry about caring w/o being cared for, no need to reveal my deepest thoughts and secrets with her, no need to stress over a conversation to start. On the other hand, I'm sitting here complaining about not having those friendships that require a little risk. a little putting myself out there. I feel like I've tried putting myself out there, and didn't like the response I've gotten back. But what if I just haven't been trying hard enough. Its so hard for me to express myself the right way to people when I feel like they are above me on the social totum pole. I know for a fact I've done more living and lived a much more meaningful life then many of the youngens in my class and even some of the older ones who lived sheltered lives. Maybe it's thoughts like those that give me the notion that no-one will understand me and the things I have to say or share. That their social popularity actually puts them below me in the acceptence department.
Not sure why exactly I'm caring about all this all of a sudden. Maybe I'm jsut getting extra lonely lately. maybe I'm dreading the long summer that will be coming when I don't get to see anyone on a regular basis. Maybe I'm worried about the fact that I've got a whole nother year of being on campus with these people, and i can't fathom the idea of living my life like this anymore. And people who know me and love me have told me how crazy it is that I'm not friends w/ everyone cuz I'm so cool and fun and wonderful with them. But thats only because I'm close to them. Getting to that point with new people is a hard and scary thing for me. Everyone says just jump up to someone and say HI!, which i can do no prob, if that was all it entailed. But after Hi usually follows some sort of conversation which is where I get into trouble. I hae no clue what to say to people. and the thought of coming up with something to say to them cause more anxiety for me then you will ever know. Being a hermit and quiet is much easier!

All this thinking and sorting has turned my brain into mush. Guess there's no studying for me tonight (aww shucks) but I really outta consider looking into that studying thing since I've got 2 big tests next week!!! Lets hope my brain holds out!!

Happy Belated Birthday to Yours Truly

2003-03-04T07:12:58Z

Most People, I think spend the majority of their life trying to conform to the norms of the populous OR trying to do just the opposite. And of course I've got to be truly fucked up and have spent the last 25 years of my life being caught in the middle. I have always had this need to be completely different and unlike others so as not to feel so "normal" or "average", but wanting to be accepted and loved by anyone I came in contact with. By nature of the universe one can not be the opposite of normal and normal all at the same time. Thus brings us to the present where I'm torn between whoever I am and whoever I think I should be, not really knowing if I'm as unique or normal as I wish.

All of this is the reason for my un-happinest right now. This and my car whish has started to make funny loud rumbling noises just tonight. I mean even my warm fuzzy kitty seems discontent sitting in my lap. I am 25 years old and no where near as far along as I thought I would be. My part time hospital job is not teaching me the things I want to learn. My classes are interesting to a degree and yet some how fall short of spraking any desire in me to study or concentrate on them. The thought of what have i gotten myself into for the rest of my life pops into my head on too many occausions. And I know having a handful of wonderful close friends is better then having a bushel of aquanitences, but I can't seem to be interestd by or interest anyone in my pharmacy class. This notion scares me more then ever. I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with people in the pharmacy profession, people just like the ones in my class now. How the hell am I going to work and live and befriend any such type of people. At least when I was a chemistry major there was always a sense that everyone in our class was equal. We all had intellect and dorky interests and a love of science that we coudl all relate too. There is none of that comradery here now.

Yes I have my own car and apartment and savings account like any healthy 25 y/o should have. I even have a little dependent, the frecksters, unfortunately not claimable on my Tax return. I have a fairly consistent schedule and a steady man who loves me more then I could ever imagine. Yet I still have this feeling that my life has not begun yet. Like I'm stewing in some pot waiting to be laddled out into a single serve bowl. The stew seems to be missing some of the key meats and spices though. Right now I'm just potatoes and carrouts, how un-fullfilling. I'm that normal average soup even the general population doesn't want to slurp down. I want to find contentment in my life right now. This is the way it's going to be for the next 2 plus years. Yet I don't want to conceede to the "deal with it for now, things will get better down the road" mentality. I have been waiting all my life for things to change and get better as I've grown up and moved on, and they just haven't. I'm still stuck in between irregular and normal, between wanting to befriend everyone I meet, and wanting to kick the shit out of everyone I meet, between love and a rut, between smiling and crying, between adult and child, between bitchy and philosophilcal, between enjoyable and annoying, between a pile of bills and another pile of bills. I guess I'm just stuck. And the prospect of change for the better isn't even kicking my ass into gear. There needs to be something I can find to sway me in an enjoyable direction. To give me the inspiration to want to make my own changes. I feel like If I don't make some sort of change at least in my outlook or way of thinking that I'll be stuck between this rock and a hard place my entire life. Never enjoying what I've got and always wishing for more or less of whats keeping me surrounded. And that is certainly no way to enjoy life.
So if you've read this far you must really like me or think I'm totally screwy, either way share you're words of wisdom (or stupidity, since this seems to be an "opposites are equal" kinda post)

It feels good to be back in LJ world. So does eating a warm bowl of melty cheese with a spoon. Cheese is your friend.